he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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