I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
