I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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