This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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