I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize