i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
