well you can't waste a boner
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
