So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
love makes seman taste better
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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