he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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