Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
