Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize