Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
