thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
