My nipple is on Facebook.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You pole danced in your parka.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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