Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
