OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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