I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's blow job season.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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