I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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