Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
