he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
