Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
