May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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