Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
