i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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