Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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