I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
