My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
