Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
