Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
