don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
