my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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