Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
