Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
