Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
