I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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