capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
