He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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