you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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