he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
