my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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