I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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