well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
