one might say we're banned from that church
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
