My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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