oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
