You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
