Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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