the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
