so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I seem to have left my pride at pride
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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