Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
