i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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