You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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