You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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