he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
