First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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