mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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