I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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