is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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