i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't turn off my feet"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
