it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
