Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
