ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So squirting runs in the family.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
