Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Even my vagina gasped.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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