You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
