Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
