Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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